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TW disordered eating, self harm, venting
16, xey/they/it ~ aroace!
154cm (_ _)。゜zｚＺ CW 62kg ; GW 57kg ; UGW 35kg
shedtwt: stardazaii
discord: waitingroom1
aside from this being utilised as a venting journal, it'll include general thoughts and etc!
labour day
Oct. 23rd, 2023 10:44 amuhhh my nose is the itchiest its been in a while #FUCKALLERGIES, i probably should study and i want to upgrade my kimchi rice for lunch/dinner. im gonna go out to buy mny own pack of gum because im literally devouring the pack at home. gum is very helpful when i want to nomnom when im bored, but i obviously dont actually want to consume anything.
ANYWAY FUCKINGGG ALLERGY IS PISSING ME OFF AS WELL AS MY HAIR THATS GETTING INCREASINGLY LONGER!!!!!!
ANYWAY FUCKINGGG ALLERGY IS PISSING ME OFF AS WELL AS MY HAIR THATS GETTING INCREASINGLY LONGER!!!!!!
the laptop and internet are overstimulating to an annoying extent. i know this is normal, and it's what it is designed for, but it's so overstimulating it leaves me in a terrible state of inertia. even writing this entry is proving very difficult right now because since my mind is drawing at blanks, i must look at something that gives me instant gratification. and even if know all of this, i still fall victim to it; isn't it wonderful how this generation is so accustomed to debauchery?
emotions are becoming increasingly foreign to talk about, and i vent less to my friends than i ever did before. it's better that way. it's better not thinking.
i had kimchi rice with egg and it was good. my aunt bought a pack of coke zero, and i'm satisfied. what else? i think that's all. i've forgotten who lives inside this body. this is where i leave you.
emotions are becoming increasingly foreign to talk about, and i vent less to my friends than i ever did before. it's better that way. it's better not thinking.
i had kimchi rice with egg and it was good. my aunt bought a pack of coke zero, and i'm satisfied. what else? i think that's all. i've forgotten who lives inside this body. this is where i leave you.
the body is a cage
Oct. 20th, 2023 01:57 pmsomething that's been holding me back from achieving my weight loss goals is due to my negligence of a proper mindset. my goals are not in the forefront of my mind--and while yes, i desire to lose a substantial amount of weight to properly reflect my authentic self, and feel less rooted into this reality--there's still an aspect that i am failing to recognise and note down.
my body is my boundary. no matter my personality, my identity, and how i choose to present myself on earth, my physicality is the first thing that people will notice about me. the fat that distort my image is only holding me down; it chokes me and suffocates me. i don' hate my body; i hate the fat that suffocates it from the range of possibilities that this body can achieve.
and what i want to achieve is taking up as little space as possible; being able to fit in small places and tuck myself into something that is as small as possible. because that is what i want; i want to be nothing. and the fat in my body is debilitating me from allowing my authentic self to be reflected in this reality--whatever reality is.
when i eat, when i overindulge, i lose control because i'm seeking for something to want--or perhaps, substituting whatever i'm lacking mentally within my life through excessive consumption of baked goods, sugars, and carbs. i gain, yes. but i gain in my physical--which thus implants this suffocating positive feedback cycle in which i eat to attempt at satisfying the gaping hole in my existence, i gain, i have an intense hatred towards myself, and then it repeats and only increases.
i want to liberate myself. the only way i can liberate myself is diverting from food; and unlike before, i should not adopt a mindset that obsesses over the aspect that i must restrict myself, but turn over the stone that makes me believe that food is the equivalent of mental content and joy. because food has bought me nothing but distress. immediate pleasure. it's something that i must eliminate from my life.
i have a 21k marathon next week and i havent trained at all. i have a 15 cuts from a desperate self harm session from a few days ago and they're still healing. it's the matter of telling my mum about them, and running with them. do i run with bandages on? i'm still absolutely fat at the moment, and all i can really do is cut down on my food intake at the moment, but not enough to trigger my learnt-habit of binging when i am bored, and dismantling the mindset that disguises leeway into the discipline i'm trying to tame myself.
i'm still hopelessly futile, but i should get some work done. at least clean my desk and get going on revision work. clean my laptop and study notes. finish up graduation gifts for this years year 13s, because while i am hopelessly futile, i'm strangely well-assimilated into my environment. it gets exhausting, sometimes though, and at times, it feels like i am a walking fallacy for being possessed by this parasite (depression? anxiety? some other third thing? i'm not too certain, but i don't think those phrases or illnesses accurately describe this parasite) within a crowd that functions very normally.
i'm tired of writing this reflection. this is where i leave you.
my body is my boundary. no matter my personality, my identity, and how i choose to present myself on earth, my physicality is the first thing that people will notice about me. the fat that distort my image is only holding me down; it chokes me and suffocates me. i don' hate my body; i hate the fat that suffocates it from the range of possibilities that this body can achieve.
and what i want to achieve is taking up as little space as possible; being able to fit in small places and tuck myself into something that is as small as possible. because that is what i want; i want to be nothing. and the fat in my body is debilitating me from allowing my authentic self to be reflected in this reality--whatever reality is.
when i eat, when i overindulge, i lose control because i'm seeking for something to want--or perhaps, substituting whatever i'm lacking mentally within my life through excessive consumption of baked goods, sugars, and carbs. i gain, yes. but i gain in my physical--which thus implants this suffocating positive feedback cycle in which i eat to attempt at satisfying the gaping hole in my existence, i gain, i have an intense hatred towards myself, and then it repeats and only increases.
i want to liberate myself. the only way i can liberate myself is diverting from food; and unlike before, i should not adopt a mindset that obsesses over the aspect that i must restrict myself, but turn over the stone that makes me believe that food is the equivalent of mental content and joy. because food has bought me nothing but distress. immediate pleasure. it's something that i must eliminate from my life.
i have a 21k marathon next week and i havent trained at all. i have a 15 cuts from a desperate self harm session from a few days ago and they're still healing. it's the matter of telling my mum about them, and running with them. do i run with bandages on? i'm still absolutely fat at the moment, and all i can really do is cut down on my food intake at the moment, but not enough to trigger my learnt-habit of binging when i am bored, and dismantling the mindset that disguises leeway into the discipline i'm trying to tame myself.
i'm still hopelessly futile, but i should get some work done. at least clean my desk and get going on revision work. clean my laptop and study notes. finish up graduation gifts for this years year 13s, because while i am hopelessly futile, i'm strangely well-assimilated into my environment. it gets exhausting, sometimes though, and at times, it feels like i am a walking fallacy for being possessed by this parasite (depression? anxiety? some other third thing? i'm not too certain, but i don't think those phrases or illnesses accurately describe this parasite) within a crowd that functions very normally.
i'm tired of writing this reflection. this is where i leave you.
