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Oct. 20th, 2023
the body is a cage
Oct. 20th, 2023 01:57 pmsomething that's been holding me back from achieving my weight loss goals is due to my negligence of a proper mindset. my goals are not in the forefront of my mind--and while yes, i desire to lose a substantial amount of weight to properly reflect my authentic self, and feel less rooted into this reality--there's still an aspect that i am failing to recognise and note down.
my body is my boundary. no matter my personality, my identity, and how i choose to present myself on earth, my physicality is the first thing that people will notice about me. the fat that distort my image is only holding me down; it chokes me and suffocates me. i don' hate my body; i hate the fat that suffocates it from the range of possibilities that this body can achieve.
and what i want to achieve is taking up as little space as possible; being able to fit in small places and tuck myself into something that is as small as possible. because that is what i want; i want to be nothing. and the fat in my body is debilitating me from allowing my authentic self to be reflected in this reality--whatever reality is.
when i eat, when i overindulge, i lose control because i'm seeking for something to want--or perhaps, substituting whatever i'm lacking mentally within my life through excessive consumption of baked goods, sugars, and carbs. i gain, yes. but i gain in my physical--which thus implants this suffocating positive feedback cycle in which i eat to attempt at satisfying the gaping hole in my existence, i gain, i have an intense hatred towards myself, and then it repeats and only increases.
i want to liberate myself. the only way i can liberate myself is diverting from food; and unlike before, i should not adopt a mindset that obsesses over the aspect that i must restrict myself, but turn over the stone that makes me believe that food is the equivalent of mental content and joy. because food has bought me nothing but distress. immediate pleasure. it's something that i must eliminate from my life.
i have a 21k marathon next week and i havent trained at all. i have a 15 cuts from a desperate self harm session from a few days ago and they're still healing. it's the matter of telling my mum about them, and running with them. do i run with bandages on? i'm still absolutely fat at the moment, and all i can really do is cut down on my food intake at the moment, but not enough to trigger my learnt-habit of binging when i am bored, and dismantling the mindset that disguises leeway into the discipline i'm trying to tame myself.
i'm still hopelessly futile, but i should get some work done. at least clean my desk and get going on revision work. clean my laptop and study notes. finish up graduation gifts for this years year 13s, because while i am hopelessly futile, i'm strangely well-assimilated into my environment. it gets exhausting, sometimes though, and at times, it feels like i am a walking fallacy for being possessed by this parasite (depression? anxiety? some other third thing? i'm not too certain, but i don't think those phrases or illnesses accurately describe this parasite) within a crowd that functions very normally.
i'm tired of writing this reflection. this is where i leave you.
my body is my boundary. no matter my personality, my identity, and how i choose to present myself on earth, my physicality is the first thing that people will notice about me. the fat that distort my image is only holding me down; it chokes me and suffocates me. i don' hate my body; i hate the fat that suffocates it from the range of possibilities that this body can achieve.
and what i want to achieve is taking up as little space as possible; being able to fit in small places and tuck myself into something that is as small as possible. because that is what i want; i want to be nothing. and the fat in my body is debilitating me from allowing my authentic self to be reflected in this reality--whatever reality is.
when i eat, when i overindulge, i lose control because i'm seeking for something to want--or perhaps, substituting whatever i'm lacking mentally within my life through excessive consumption of baked goods, sugars, and carbs. i gain, yes. but i gain in my physical--which thus implants this suffocating positive feedback cycle in which i eat to attempt at satisfying the gaping hole in my existence, i gain, i have an intense hatred towards myself, and then it repeats and only increases.
i want to liberate myself. the only way i can liberate myself is diverting from food; and unlike before, i should not adopt a mindset that obsesses over the aspect that i must restrict myself, but turn over the stone that makes me believe that food is the equivalent of mental content and joy. because food has bought me nothing but distress. immediate pleasure. it's something that i must eliminate from my life.
i have a 21k marathon next week and i havent trained at all. i have a 15 cuts from a desperate self harm session from a few days ago and they're still healing. it's the matter of telling my mum about them, and running with them. do i run with bandages on? i'm still absolutely fat at the moment, and all i can really do is cut down on my food intake at the moment, but not enough to trigger my learnt-habit of binging when i am bored, and dismantling the mindset that disguises leeway into the discipline i'm trying to tame myself.
i'm still hopelessly futile, but i should get some work done. at least clean my desk and get going on revision work. clean my laptop and study notes. finish up graduation gifts for this years year 13s, because while i am hopelessly futile, i'm strangely well-assimilated into my environment. it gets exhausting, sometimes though, and at times, it feels like i am a walking fallacy for being possessed by this parasite (depression? anxiety? some other third thing? i'm not too certain, but i don't think those phrases or illnesses accurately describe this parasite) within a crowd that functions very normally.
i'm tired of writing this reflection. this is where i leave you.